As she leaned in and kissed him gently on the cheek, he took hold of the frame of her face, looked her square in the eyes and said,’I am crazy about you’ pronouncing each word as if it were glass. The corners of her mouth curved into what should have been a smile but appeared much more glorious in his eyes. Her eyes darted down but her long silk eyelashes carried them firmly back to gaze into his. ‘ I love you like crazy. Sometimes I am scared that I love you so much I would literally do anything for you’….
That’s when I stopped thinking of them as romantic and looked back into the book I had actually gone there to read( plus, come to think of it, I must have started looking like a crazy person just sitting there at the table opposite them, staring…..) crazy love. Psht. I have come to learn that we are all capable of some sort of craziness and when you add love to the mix of that, then it becomes something else; much more harmful to self. Allow me to illustrate. I know of a girl who loved this guy ‘like crazy’. She is probably the most logical person that I know. She has a firm head on her shoulders and sometimes I wonder if she has two brains inside her skull( not that her head is big but she is really smart) so it came as a surprise when she narrated her love saga to me. She loved this guy. They had been together for 2 years. Although Lord knows how! The guy was a total douche. He slept around quite openly. When he got caught he told her he had a problem and needed a break to sort himself out, which she willingly gave him with a return ticket. He basically treated her like she was scum; think of the worst thing a person can do to someone they claim to love and this guy probably did it twice. But she was crazy about him. She said things like, ‘I know I should leave him but I don’t know, I just love him so much. I mean sometimes I swear he makes me feel like I am losing my mind!’
Crazy love: the kind of love that makes you act insane. Some people yearn for that kind of love. Me? No thank you. You see movies and media and all these fictional books have led us to believe that love is only like a fire. Burning fiercely and consuming all of us(but mainly our mental faculties) they paint the picture that true love needs to make you lose your very senses and most of the time will get you rolling on the floor in tears asking yourself why the hell you still love him even though he just cut your lip with the back of his hand for the umpteenth time. Don’t get me wrong. Crazy love and unconditional love are two very different things that are too often mistaken to be the same. Crazy love says I will ride to the end of the earth with you no matter what the cost. Unconditional love says no matter where you are in this world, I will still love you the same. Probably not the best analogy to use here but go with it.
Crazy love is sad. Especially because it has you questioning yourself and realizing that you would never do this in any other circumstances. Like I said. I want none of that.
I want me a love that nourishes. The kind of love where you wake up in the morning feeling and knowing that you are a better person, a stronger person. The kind of love that makes you see the future when you look in the mirror; a future that is bright and happy and sometimes sweaty from all the work this love inspires you to do. I want a love that’s sane; awakening. The kind that shocks you back to reality every time that you are about to do something crazy and stupid.
I want a real love. A love that I don’t have to be delusional about. The kind I can feel and see and even test against empirical standards and find to be true. You see, people tell you that the guy who looks at you in a certain dress and tells you you look fat in it must be crazy. But I want that. A true love. A love that is not molded out of some societal clay to be appropriate to those therein; open the door for her, pull her seat out, buy her chocolates and roses on valentine’s day. I mean all of the above would be really nice bonuses but I want him to do things he thought of in his head not stuff he saw in a movie or read from a book. You see, I believe in the creator of love and I know he created a mind of creativity and endless possibilities inside of each of our heads.
I want a love that lasts. the kind that sees the past for what it is but doesn’t choose to ignore it as if it were something that could never come back to haunt us. Instead, this love deals with it, tears down its foundation and builds a stronger, more lasting one. You see this love does not take with it the growth it brought if or when it leaves. No, this love has a permanent mark on your life because it hasn’t made you into the person it wants you to be, rather, it has shaped you into the person you were meant to be.
I guess, all I really wanted to say was, looking at that couple opposite me, I felt no envy or desire towards their position. What they had or felt may have been something that worked for them quite well. Rather, I felt contentment. Daily, I realize that I have the love I have always wanted. The kind of love that fills you up and leaves you feeling fulfilled. (repetition intended)